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THE POTATO'S
HOLY TRINITY |
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Looking
for a spiritual solution to sooth your panicked persona?
Well, look no further!
It
seems that throughout man's sordid history, some (OK, many)
have seen fit to construct elaborate fairytales to explain the
great mysteries of life -- "Why are we here?" -- and/or to
define some great moral code that all must follow, lest you be
deemed a "sinner" or an "infidel", and, in the worst cases,
thrashed to within inches of your life if not actually killed
via some senseless act of violence. We acknowledge that
faith can be a powerful force for good, and that some of what
was written centuries ago can serve as a strong foundation for
the moral or ethical code by which we humans might live.
But, we also recognize that running one's life according to the
dictum of some old tome that was pushed to the top of the best
seller list with the edge of a sword is laughable. And,
today, when we still see people hurting and killing each other
over which fairytale is better than the other,....Well, all we
can say is FUCK THAT!
Anyway, if you've grown tired of your current fairytale, or
you're new to this craziness and considering taking up a good
yarn to debate peacefully with your friends and family, we offer
you THE POTATO'S HOLY TRINITY.
Aphrodite - Front and center, and appropriately presented
here in her Mardi Gras colors -- purple, green and gold -- the
ancient Greeks conjured up this saucy little mynx as the goddess
of beauty, lust, and fertility -- as in GRATUITOUS
SEX! -- If you're looking for love and romance, you won't
find it here, and you can forget about monogamy of any kind.
In the words of Bill Clinton, "GO BABY!" None other than
Plato, himself, considered our gal as having two manifestations, one
representing her role in heterosexuality and the other her role
in homosexuality -- a fitting display of tolerance to which any
great fairytale should aspire. Here at the Potato, we
recognize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So,
you play the game with any partner(s) you wish, be it man,
woman, farm animal, cordless vibrating appliance, phallic
vegetable -- you name it! But please, no children, and for
[insert your deity here]'s sake, please throw some latex
around that thing!
Bacchus - Baby's right-hand man, our favorite party
animal, and a major figure in Greek mythology, Dionysus
is the god of wine, other earthly pleasures,
and inspired madness. Conceived one night when Zeus
took a random walk through Mortalville, he is said to
represent the intoxicating power of wine and its social and
beneficial influences. He was also known as the Liberator
(Eleutherios), freeing one of one's normal self by madness,
ecstasy or wine -- Bacchus' divine mission having been to mingle
the music of the aulos and to bring an end to care and worry.
Bacchus' power and influence have grown exponentially over the
millenniums, in keeping with his now-abundant war chest of
earthly pleasures, making for an increasingly explosive
combination when mingling with our little lady, above.
Here again, the choices are yours. Just watch out for
Johnny Law, and please no driving!
Hef - Our Holy Ghost ("Hey! I'm not dead yet!"),
and a living god, Hef knows a good thing when he sees it.
Visionary, devout hedonist and Patron Saint of Viagra, Hef is
the physical manifestation of the virtues embodied in our
dynamic duo, regularly practicing the four ritualistic behaviors
of our creed -- Libate, Gyrate, Hydrate and Fornicate! --
at the Temple Playboy in Los Angeles, CA.
So, panic no more, there's help on the way! What's that?
Still want to stick with your fairytale? Sure, why
not. If it feels good, do it! Just remember, they're
all fairytales, so don't hurt or kill anyone over it.
For [???]'s sake, we're all on the same fucking team, all right?! |
