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THE TROUBLE WITH BUBBLES
Don’t bogart
that joint!
 (Columbia,
SC) Here at the University of South Carolina, home of the
Fighting Cocks, butt-ugly, swimming sensation, Michael “Moby”
Phelps, staggered unwittingly under the gaze of a digital video
camera while playing grab-ass with a few of the local co-eds,
and revealed to the World (that’s The News of the World) the
secret of his swimming prowess. Armed with the iron lung
capacity of an adult male sperm whale, young Mikey proved once
and for all that it’s not the arm or leg strength that makes an
Olympic Gold Medalist. It’s the ability to suck down not one,
but two pounds of high-grade sinsemilla in a single bong-hit and
keep….on….kicking!
The real
story, here, is not that Michael was firing up after his
stunning run in China. No, the real story is that anybody
really gives a fuck. Ah, but leave it to those slimy limeys at
NOTW, whose readers have been warned repeatedly to thoroughly
disinfect themselves after reading that rag, to
sensationalize the un-sensational and put ol’ Mikey and the U.S.
Olympic Committee on the spot. Of course, they couldn’t have
done it without a little help.
The Potato’s
crack squad of news insurgents has learned that the people who
do give a fuck, and turned the Phelps-footage over to NOTW, are
none other than Jenna and Barbara Bush. Yes, it seems that the
Bush-twins have been hot on the trail of ol’ Moby ever
since he systematically violated their backsides at the
Whitehouse private party for the US Olympic team following the
2008 games in China. It appears that Michael’s lungs are not
the only whale-sized part of his anatomy, and the twins hadn’t
had that kind of treatment since caring for daddy’s
livestock while growing up on the ranch in Crawford.
The Potato
has learned that the Bush sisters taught Michael everything he
knows about sucking on a long, cylinder-shaped instrument during
their repeated oral assaults on the Phelps-phallus at the
Whitehouse, only to be horrified moments later when Moby
proceeded to suck down their entire stash of Hugo
Chavez-supplied spliff via daddy’s 4-foot G-graphics!
The trouble
started for young Michael when Jenna Bush over heard him telling
a young USC coed that, “My back is made of whale bone and I’m
gonna make you sing.” Jilted-Jenna then set about shooting the
now famous footage, and the two sisters followed daddy’s example
by telling lies to NOTW over stiff margaritas at one of dubya’s
newly installed titty bars in Dallas where the duo are set to
begin poll dancing in June.
While it is
true that Moby’s lucrative endorsement deals with the likes of
Kellogg’s, Hilton, Omega and Subway are at risk, the Potato is
pleased to report that a slew of bong and rolling paper
manufacturers are paying up handsomely to keep his spirits up
when he’s down at the pool. In fact, young Moby’s even been
granted shares in his own brand of cannabis!
“Hey kid, I see you smoke a lot of dope out there at the
pool. What brand you tokin’?”
“Why this here’s the only brand I smoke, mister. It’s
Beijing Gold!”
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